He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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