Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
