My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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