I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
