what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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