Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
