I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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