I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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