If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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