i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
