Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
