He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
