I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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