I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
