you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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