I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
