She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
