I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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