come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
