why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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