so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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