why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You may now shotgun with the bride
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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