Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize