I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
