He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
