So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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