first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
