Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i out mim tonsoeep
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