You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
