i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
