There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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