At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
