He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
