If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
