You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
