they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
