Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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