the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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