In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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