I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
