Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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