dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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