I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
