Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
