broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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