there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
