I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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