omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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