I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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