The best revenge is premature balding
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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