my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
