so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
