I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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