My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
